A party that only my NuckingFutsMama could love…

I suppose I have to explain who NuckingFutsMama is to anyone who is reading this that isn’t cool. NuckingFutsMama is the shit! That’s pretty much how I have to say it, and I don’t even talk like that. The Nucking Futs Mama blog and Twitter feed (and check!…her!….out! I’d feed her my twitter any day!). Yes, so I have a Twitter crush, shoot me. But the fact is, she is an awesome breath of fresh air. She shows no shame in poking fun at herself and exposing how God, along with the Mother Nature who also happened to pick up Bad Karma hitch-hiking, seem to always want to play a little joke in her every day life. You can’t make this stuff up, and this past weekend, it happened to me. I had a NuckingFuts moment that I will now share with you.

It was my son’s 7th birthday party. He invited his entire 1st grade class, of which half showed up. So I made reservations for 16 kids at a cool place where indoor putt-putt golf is 100% glow in the dark. Even for adults its pretty cool. There are two party rooms that are separated by a large stage-like curtain. The place was loud!! Between tons of screaming sugar-caffeinated 7 year olds, the music, and the adults trying to talk over the kids…you mostly had to use hand signals to communicate.

The party was going great! My two boys were having a blast, all his friends were laughing and playing and so far, I hadn’t lost a single kid. Queue Jerry Springer. Yes, out of absolutely nowhere the party room next to ours went into a full fist flying, chair throwing, clothes ripping, kids screaming fight! There were screams of pain, screams of shock, screams of profanity, metal smashing metal, metal smashing human sounds that replaced all the other sounds previously mentioned. Full room panic, adults and kids scattered everywhere in the dark. SHIT!

I find three kids heading away from the group and I grab them by the shirt, carrying them back to the Woody heard like a wolf carries its pups. I move all of my kids (and clueless adults) back into a corner and I now am a bouncer…nothing getting in, nothing getting out. Until I see the two sub 100lb teenage girls who were the only ones working there, run straight into the fight to try and ‘calm things down’ by tapping said fighters on the shoulder. SHIT!

So I tell my group to stay put..DONT MOVE! I run into the Jerry Springer show, grab the girls by the arms and yank them out of there. I said, “Just call the police and let that crowd kill themselves if they want. You’ll only get hurt if you try to stop it.” So that’s what they did. Now during all of this, members of each side of the fight kept running in and out of the building. I had no idea how many were inside or outside. No idea if they went out to get weapons or help, so I stayed put.

FINALLY the cops show up in full suburban force. Their guts bouncing like an 80 year old woman’s double D’s on a pogo stick. Guns out, they decide they dont have enough manpower (see; courage) to do anything until the real City police show up. The real cops don’t take out their guns, but their night sticks get a good work out.

So I think, finally…some control. But I forgot about the parents coming to pick up their kids. SHIT! Most parents, it seems, came to pick up their kids just as the place was being raided. My iPhone was vibrating enough to please most of my twitter followers. Freaked out parents, cussing me out, wanting to know what happened, blah blah blah. Did I expect a ‘thanks’, no..maybe not. But maybe a bit of gratitude for not just being concerned for my own kids and bailing outta there. Oh well, I don’t like most of those parents anyway.

Body count stats at party:

Arrested: 5

Hospitalized: 2

Team Woody: 100% A-OK for the WIN!

Next year, I think I will take them all to the Running of the Bulls. These parties are getting harder and harder to top each year!


1 Response to “A party that only my NuckingFutsMama could love…”

  1. April 1, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    lol! i have the complete visual! are you sure you don’t live in the South?

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