Archive for the 'Female Quirks' Category


What little things turn you on?

The little things that catch our attention are so sexy because they are often primal and unintentional. Yet some women have mastered these techniques to capture their prey…I mean, to meet a guy…yeah.
When a woman caresses and slowly strokes her neckline, I read that as she is nervous but interested. If her chest is visibly flushed and she’s pulling ar her shirt, I read that one as, ‘i wish he’d tear my shirt off me!” but my mind has been known to exaggerate…just a little..sometimes.

The one that drives me crazy is anything she does with her mouth that expresses passion. Biting her lip when she looks at me, discretely licking her lips (NOT Gene Simmons style) all speak volumes. And the only thing I can think about is wanting her mouth to get to work on me…fast!

Now come on and tell me what a guy/girl does that makes you melt right there in your panties. (I’ll try your suggestions out and let you know how they scored for me!)


Does size matter? No, not that!

Let me cut to the chase. Engagement rings are the female version of ‘whose got the biggest dick contest.’ The majority of newly engaged woman just love to shove their shiny rock in her friends faces for the good ol jealousy factor. When I see that, I am disgusted and certain of what that relationship is all about. There are the genuine cases where they guy wants to give her a token of his love and she simply takes it for what it is. A symbol of his love, not a requirement or status symbol.
This has to be one of my biggest pet peeves ever. So if you are not in the mood for a rant, then you best just move on. The entire idea of spending a ton of money on a shiny rock drives me insane. As you might have guessed, I have had several discussions around this subject with my better half. We married very very young. I was 20 and she was 18. I was in school and I bought her the best ring that I couldn’t afford at the time. What I mean by couldn’t afford is that being a student and supporting myself I lived very simply. But I took my $3000 limit credit card and bought the best thing I could find for every dime I had. It wasn’t much, but it’s what I could do.
Today, she doesn’t wear that ring. The reason, embarrassment. She still wears her wedding band but when people ask about the other ring, she proclaims that she lost it. She tells me that this is easier on her than seeing the faces of her friends (spoiled ungrateful bitches whose biggest worry is which starbucks to meet at), when they see her small ring. I tell her that to me, the ring is a good symbol of how we struggled through tough times, made it past when all people doubted we could do it. And her argument, is that if I loved her I would work hard to give her the very best.
I have, never in our 16 years, worked less than two jobs. I happily work these jobs so that we can live in the best school district, in a nice house, and so she can drive a nice car.
On our 16th anniversary, the light finally clicked for me (yes I am slow and yes I was in denial). I took her to a great restaurant, gave her a box from the finest jewelry store, and she began to glow with excitement. She opened the box to find a very nice David Yurman ring that was just a smudge under $1k. Her response…”oh Susan has this one, but she has the bigger one, can we go look at that after dinner?”
Are you fucking kidding me?
But it was our anniversary so I agreed. She went in, handed the ring back and started looking at rings in the $10-15k range. When I asked why she was looking at those, she broke down in tears and said (with volume and drama) this, “will I never be good enough for you to treat me like I deserve!?!”
So I walked out after her…oh yes, she stormed out if the store. When I caught up to her she continued with how selfish I was. Now, understand that in 16 years I have never once raised my voice, treated her poorly, or denied her any luxury I could afford. But at this moment, I was a volcano. I have no doubt I could have put my fist through a brick wall. But I didn’t. I said nothing while I calmed my most basic and instinctual thoughts. Once I calmed I said, “you know what. If I had $100,000 in my pocket right now, I still wouldn’t buy that fucking thing. We have two kids, we have no real savings, and I never complain about how much I work. But if that’s something you really want, then you are not the person I thought you were. If that diamond, the one that was likely mined by an enslaved 9 year old, is more important than the education of your kids, is more important than being happy about what gifts I give you, then shame on me for not seeing what you are long before now.”
That exchange has changed our lives..I’m not sure if it’s for better or worse. But men, my advice to you is to step back and see what is expected of you. Is it the token of your love, or is it just the token? And women, I know that society says that we should spend 2.5 months of our salary on this ring. You do understand that this standard is given by the same people who sell such items….how convinient. I expect men and women of low intellegence to accept this standard, abide by it, and become that useful consumer that is indeed needed. But I expect men and women of intellect to question such expectations. When is enough, enough? When can I stop paying the toll and expect a partnership? When can I expect that what we think is more important that the neighborhood hens?
I actually started writig this post because I found comedy in the obsession of diamonds. And I understand that this has turned into a personal rant. So, today…maybe I didn’t make you laugh, but I hole I made you think.
*disclaimer…I wrote this from my iPhone so if there are spelling, content structure, or grammatical errors…I don’t care one single bit so keep it to youself and know that I don’t want to hear it. Thanks!


Happy Valentine’s Day Bitches! (I mean that in an endearing way of course)

New Bulletin: Your pussy is NOT a winning lottery ticket!***

Now if you made it past that line then I think we are going to be ok. If you are a woman who read that, and did your side to side ‘snap snap’ and stopped reading…well there is no help for your selfish ass now is there princess? There are way way way too many women who think that, for any occasion, giving up their kitty should be more than enough. Ummm, we’ve already hit that a few times so what are you doing, re-gifting? Of course we will always accept that as a ‘gift’, but we all want you to know, you completely blew it in our minds. We (decent guys who try to do the right thing) at least make an attempt to give you something you want. Maybe we don’t always get it right, but we also don’t drop our pants, do the naked helicopter, and call it a gift. So you can wiggle your ass all you want, but it better be wiggling to one of the following places to get us a thoughtful gift:
-Apple Store- Engraved iPod/iPhone (do not get the iPad, we dont want to carry a fucking Pad)
-Massage Pro- There are several professional (female) massage therapist who will teach YOU how to give ME a good massage. It’s a one time lesson, the therapist shows you how to do it right with ME as the client. Super win/win here.
Lum-Tec – A limited run on each watch that is hand made and under $400 when pre-ordered.
Of course there are so many more things and if you need help, contact me and I’ll give ya some tips at any price.

***Optional no cost gift:Although your pussy isn’t a winning lotto ticket, your ass almost always is!


Cat Girls vs. Dog Girls

First let me say that I do have both a pup and a puss. The puss and I have an agreement. I acknowledge and have experience that his front claws are indeed effective and I should stay away. He acknowledges and has experienced that I can remove 3 of his cat lives with one blow.  But this post isn’t about what I have, its about the difference between girls who are cat owners vs dog owners.

For this little unscientific study lets take out the toy dog breed. Or we can leave them in but I think I would have to lump those girls into the cat owner column. So lets take a look at the two pictures above and see if we can get a feel for the personalities of each female type.

First the cat lover:

  • Positive: Very good at giving ‘cum hither’ looks
  • Positive: Always clean and spotless, from manicured nails to every hair in its place (or hopefully lasered off)
  • Positive: Knows how to sway those hips and crawl into bed
  • Negative: Moody as hell
  • Negative: Unpredictable
  • Negative: Don’t get it in her hair or else!
  • Negative: She hates football, hates your friends, and REALLY hates your friends’ girlfriends!
  • Positive: If she wants something, she will be all over you to get it
  • Negative: You’ll realize over time that she will only be all over you when she wants something
  • Negative: You better drive a nice car to be seen with her, and SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, is something you’ll hear a lot
  • Negative: She doesn’t like to have sex on the floor, or at a hotel that isn’t a 5 star, and it will take her at least 30 minutes of doing god knows what in the bathroom before she is ready for ‘spontaneous’ sex

Now for the dog lover:

  • Positive: Playful and willing to please
  • Positive: Is as comfortable in a t-shirt as she is in a little black dress
  • Positive: Not only can you get it in her hair, you can finish one off in her left eye and she’ll still be giggling the whole time
  • Negative: May need some help with ensuring nails, hands, and feet are manicured (yes, even if we don’t have a foot fetish, those paws better be smooth enough to do the same stroking that your hands do).
  • Positive: Likes sports, likes some of your friends, and will even make out with some of your friends’ girlfriends.
  • Positive: Doesn’t really care what kind of a car you drive, but you better not drive like a pussy.
  • Positive: Doesn’t matter where we have sex, or when we have sex, as long as both are very pleased with the result.

Well, depending on what kind of guy you are, you can pick your poison out of those lists. Now is this a hard and fast rule, of course not. But I challenge you to tell me that I haven’t correctly stereotyped these women. And what is more fun to do on the internet that stereotyping people? Exactly.

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